When it rains, it pours

Sigh... Despite all that has been going well, I'm dealing with my fair share of crap.

First soon to be ex-husband (we'll call him "jackass" for the purpose of this blog) lost his job on purpose in hopes of paying less child support. As a result, I am losing my house, (which doesn't totally break my heart because the taxes were going to to up anyway and I just couldn't see paying $1800 a month for 2 bedrooms and 1100 square feet.) It doesn't look like Jackass will find a job anytime soon and he acts like I have 3 heads when I tell him he needs to find some money somewhere to help with groceries and daycare. This is the same Jackass who threatened leaving the country to avoid paying child support.

If that wasn't enough, my mom went to the hospital on Friday with a blood clot in her leg. She is back home now but thank god they found it before it became disastrous. She can't walk and is on blood thinners for now. There was no reason for her to get a clot at all and she is only 45. I don't think I have ever been so scared in my life.

Then I miscarried. Yup, I was a week and a half late. I knew I was pregnant but knew something was wrong. Friday (the day my mom went to the hospital) I got a faint positive and today I lost it. I feel so lost. I don't really have anyone to talk to, I'm not telling my parents because they don't need more crap on their plate. Sigh... being a single mom sucks!

Still Standing

Do you ever go back and read your earlier blog entries and think, "wow, I can't believe I was in that place"? I just did and not only was it a harsh reminder of how miserable I was, it was an awakening to how happy I am now.

I know my recent entries are romantically sappy and some of you are probably rolling your eyes thinking, "Silly girl, won't she ever learn?" Believe me, I've thought those same things recently, more times than I can count. The thing is that this time it's different. I am not a hopeless romantic, in fact, I'm quite the opposite. I have fought and fought this, I have tried so hard to find everything wrong with it that I could.... but I. just. can't. find. anything! It's so amazingly perfect that I wonder what the hell did I do to deserve this?

If you could possibly imagine your perfect person, a person who complements you in every way, someone who literally completes you... well that's what I've found. And while I am trying with everything I have to move incredibly slow so I don't make the same mistakes, I have a wonderful feeling that I should just let go and trust. Which, if you consider that I am coming out of a horrific (H-O-R-R-I-F-I-C) marriage, the fact that I could even consider trusting is pretty damn amazing.

Anywhoo... M is going to be 3 in about a month. Where the hell did the time go!?! I have to say that this is not my favorite age. Don't get me wrong, I love that I can have whole conversations with him and that he tells me he loves me and "Mommy, you beautiful!" However, I am soooo ready to be done with the terrible twos... And yes, I do know that they don't end when he turns 3. I figure I have at least a good year and a half before it really gets better. At which point K will be smack dab in the middle of the tantrum throwing, "No!" screaming, shin kicking two's. Sigh... Why the hell am I thinking about having more?!! :)

M turning 3 means K is a year and half. She is running around and babbling in a way that is so cute it makes my heart melt. Even better is she has won over my "dirty little secrets" heart. He is so in love with her and she loves him too. She gets jealous if I hug him and demands a hug of her own. Sigh... He loves my kids... Who knew such wonderful things could happen to me?

Lane - I promise, once my divorce is final I will give you all the details you can handle. :)

OH. MY. GOD.

I'm in love! Really, really in love! No, I'm not talking about an amazing pair of Jimmy Choos, I'm actually talking about man. A real live, penis wielding (thanks for that, Karrie!) MAN!

I deserve to be happy and I finally am. I am very close to filing divorce papers, which makes me very close to finally being free! Things are looking up, although they may get messier before they get better. But hey, that's OK, I'm in LOVE!

What the hell is this?!?

Sweet Jesus, do I want a baby! What in the hell is happening to me? Do you all know any other crazy ladies out there who are adamant about being done at 2 children when they are married and then while filing for divorce suddenly want a baby so bad they can hardly see straight?!? I didn't think so.... BECAUSE IT'S INSANE!!!!

I'm not even ovulating right now... I think my "dirty little secret" has me feeling enough like a woman again that I might actually consider having more children. Hallelujah.

No worries though, not having sex so no babies in the near future for me. :)

Happily Ever After

I wonder if there ever was as big a myth as that? Could it be true that someone could fall in love with their soul mate and live happily ever after? I supposed some of us could be so lucky but what about the rest of us?

I'm 24 and I will have been divorced twice. That's fucked up, if you ask me. It's not like I particuallarly DESERVE this, right? My first husband I loved with everything I had but could not keep him, my 2nd I can not get rid of fast enough. I would like to think that someday I will too, have a happily ever after. I would like to think that something is not too good to be true, that it really is THAT good.

I'm jaded and I don't believe in happily ever afters anymore. Which is unfortunate because I think that if I could just let go, let myself believe again, that I would be pleasently suprised.

I know that I SHOULD be alone for a while once I'm divorced. I SHOULD avoid falling in love again so soon and I SHOULD invest in me for a while. I SHOULD also go with my heart, and not pass up a good thing... So what do I do? Realistically, I've been out of love for quite a while now. My marriage has been over, I just didnt want to admit it. So now I could have something really good, someone who really cares about me and who I feel safe with.

This could be a good thing, or it could be too good to be true. I should and I shouldn't run away, so what do I do?

Nameless Poetry

Do you know that I fought this
With everything I have, I tried
To not feel this way about you
It frightens me, I want to run away

To be alone, where it’s safe
No one can hurt me but myself
And I can pretend you don’t exist
I want to be free of this feeling

In my dream, I’m falling
I know it’s going to hurt when I land
I don’t want to wake, to feel reality
Reality is worse than the fall

You’re taking over every inch of my being
My sanity is threatened by your presence
I want to run away, will you stop me?
If I fall, will you catch me?

So you want some dirt, do ya?

I've been gone (not that many of you have noticed), technically I am still gone but I've had the desire to blog again so here I am.

As I exit the disaster that is my marriage I am finding myself entering something new and exciting. The timing is horrible, it's not what I wanted and if I were smart I wouldn't be doing what I've been doing but... It feels oh so good!!!

I'll leave the rest up to your imagination since what you imagine is probably far more entertaining and juicy that what is really going on... :)

Silenced

In a glass room
I can see you standing on the outside
the walls get closer and closer
but I can see

He's trying to blind me
tinting the windows with jealousy
it's getting dark
I'm feeling smaller

Looking in at me
can you see that I'm not where I want to be
in self created misery
I restrain myself

I want to break those glass walls
to have it all come crashing down
he has my hands tied
bound like a punished lover

I struggle to see you now
gagged, bound and blind
kicking and screaming
in a well behaved silence

I want to smash the walls
to do to them
as they have done to me
punished, well behaved and silent

Do you see me still
the kicking and screaming
or just a well behaved, quiet girl
Do you feel me still like I feel you?

Confusion and Buble'

You know how when try to organize a room, it always seems to get messier before it starts looking cleaner? Well, that is the story of my life.

I am cleaning house. Saying goodbye to a husband who has been hell bent on making life miserable for me and trying desperately to start over as as single mother of two very young children. It's hard I tell you, really fucking hard.

I'm setting my appointment to file the papers. Just waiting for a call back. It's going to get uglier before it gets nicer. Wish me luck...

On a happier note...

Michael Buble' released his latest CD on the 1st of May and let me be the first to tell you IT.IS. AMAZING! Even in these very dark times in my life I can put on this CD and instantly I feel better. I even have moments of being the crazy lady dancing around and rocking out in her car. I am completely off my rocker if I insist that chocolate and swing music are what is getting me through?

This is the first single off the album. Not my favorite song, but good none the less.

Going to visit Karrie...

Not really...But I love this song:

I *Heart* Jersey

No, not the State. The material.


Recently I am obsessed with Jersey Dresses, and for good reason.

I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing more comfortable than Jersey. Except maybe being naked but after 2 kids I just can't get away with that anymore. ;) (Now that I have put that frightening image in your head...)

Comfortable it is and practical too. Unless you crumple it in a ball and let it sit in the heat for days it really doesn't wrinkle. It drapes nicely, and while a size too small can cling, it is very flattering. Since I'm still loosing baby weight and not investing a lot in clothing I've been getting my Jersey from places like Target and Old Navy. Should you want to put some cash down on some wonderfully figure flattering and good quality Jersey, Rachel Pally is the way to go.

I've picked these up from Old Navy recently and I love them!

Somewhere Over The Rainbow...

Here are pics of last nights event. I did a very last minutes rendition of "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." I was also the event planner for this event and it came off quite well. The group is Artists In Action International. You can visit us at www.artistsinactionint.org.

I am so happy to finally be coming up for air after this, event planning is quite a task. Especially when you are also a single mom and have a full time job!

Letters to the editor, newsday.com

More mental health services, and even involuntary mental health screenings, have been proposed to prevent repetition of the Virginia Tech massacre. But the mass murderer did get mental health care in a hospital.

He then rejected further treatment. The drug-only treatment he got may well have aggravated his disturbance.

Good mental health care is based on continuing, caring human contact: knowledgable people helping troubled people with problems, while strengthening and reassuring them. Medication, often with little or no meaningful human contact, has now almost entirely replaced that older care pattern. That's what the killer got. And anti-depressant drugs, like those he was given, can themselves intensify suicidal and homicidal thoughts and behavior.

When considering the effectiveness of mental health services, we should recognize that in the 50 years since drugs began to be psychiatry's main treatment modality, there has been a five-fold increase in the fraction of mentally disabled in the population.

Before hurrying to expand mental health services, we should examine more critically the results of treatment methods.

Dr. Nathaniel S. Lehrman

Editor's note: The writer is former clinical director of Kingsboro Psychiatric Center and former assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Albert Einstein and SUNY Downstate Colleges of Medicine.

Roslyn

www.newsday.com

More on School Shootings

From Fox National News Reporter, Douglas Kennedy:

From Filmmaker (Remember Bowling For Columbine?) Michael Moore

It truly works!

I finally found a concealer that works! This one actually blends in to my skin with out making me look too orange or too pasty. I happen to be a neutral and fair skinned and it really does hide my dark circles.

All of the colors (fair, medium, etc) also come in warm, cool and neutral so they truly blend in to your skin. When it comes time to replace my foundation, blush, etc I will being going back to the true match line, it just looks so natural.

Major plus that it's cheap too!

The shooter was on anti depressants

I received this email today:

We would like to express our condolences to those that lost family members or friends. What happened in Blacksburg, VA is a loss to humanity.
Several investigators have recently reported that the assailant had been treated for depression with antidepressants. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration Public Health Advisory of March 22, 2004 identified the side effects of SSRI antidepressants, stating, “Anxiety, agitation, panic attacks, insomnia, irritability, hostility, impulsivity, akathisia (severe restlessness), and mania (psychosis), have been reported in adult and pediatric patients being treated with antidepressants.” SSRI antidepressants have documented side effects of suicide, mania, psychosis, aggression and hostility.
It is time for a Congressional investigation into the link associated with psychotropic drugs and school violence. We must all contact our representatives and let them know that this is a national issue and that we demand an investigation into a link that even the FDA admits. It is time to speak out so that the children at Virginia Tech did not die in vain.
Please take a moment and contact your Congressional leaders now! It is time to act. It will only take a moment and may prevent future massacres in our learning institutions. If we keep our schools drug and label free, they will be safer too.

For the safety of our children this must be investigated. He is not the first school shooter who was on anti depressants. In fact, he is the 9th. This is a documented side effect of these drugs, why is nothing being done about it?!? Whether you agree with these drugs or not, the fact of the matter is that these are the side effects and as an absolute minimum it needs to be investigated.

Mommy Style - Blue Jean News

The good news is that "Mom jeans" are out, and have been for a while. The even better news is that the ultra low rise trend that frightened the begezus out of us is also out. Yes, rises are rising! It seems we have pendulum swung so don't be surprised if you see rises so high they put mom jeans to shame. None the less, rises are now at an acceptable range, just bellow the belly button.

My advice to moms who are going to treat themselves to some new jeans (you deserve it, right?) is to follow a few basic rules:

1. Boot cut (not flare) is figure flattering on everyone. They are not a trend and can be your go to jean until they fall apart.

2. The darker the wash the slimmer you look. If you are concerned with bumps and lumps, go dark.

3. Embellishments and spot fading bring attention to the area where the embellishment or fading is located. If you have large thighs (as I do) don't get jeans with fading on the thigh area! If you have a nice arse and want to bring attention to it get jeans with a little extra something on the back pockets.

4. Beware of the muffin top! Your jeans are too low or too tight if you have a ring of flab hanging over the top and resembles the shape of a muffin.

5. Wear appropriate shoes when you shop for jeans. Jeans that are too long look sloppy and jeans that are too short look, well, stupid. :) If you are looking for a nice pair of jeans to wear out at night, bring a pair of heals to try on with them. Keep in mind that sometimes the perfect length is unattainable and be prepared to have them altered. I'm 5'4" and have to have a pair of jeans for heals and a separate pair altered to be short enough for flats.

6. Before you commit to a pair, walk around in them, sit down in them, get down on the floor and crawl in them. OK, I'm exaggerating a little but come on, we all have kids right? Make sure they are comfortable to MOVE in.

7. Keep in mind the time of day you are shopping. We all tend to be a few lbs heavier at the end of the day and during that time of the month. If you are shopping in the morning keep in mind that you will need a little room to expand.

8. Plan to take some time when hunting for the perfect pair of jeans. They don't have to be expensive but nothing feels better than the perfect pair of broken in jeans that flatter. If you are not sure, take a camera to the dressing room so you can take pics of you in them to look at later or to show to friends to get an honest opinion.

I'm here

I lost my computer when I left so I have not been on line much recently. I decided to use my lunch break to do a little blogging.

Not much to say other than the in-laws know now and as expected I am the evil queen bitch of the universe. My best friend (since we were 14) is also my sister-in-law so she fills me in on it all. Apparently I "broke my mother in law because I took her baby away", I am "tearing the family apart" and I am "the reason STBXH (soon to be x-husband) never calls them."

They give me far too much credit, doncha think? ;)

This is of course, on top of the famous "High Maintenance" line my MIL started. Tell me this... If two people are in a relationship and one of them sits around and refuses to help, expects the other to handle everything and bitches and complains about not getting what they want while the other one does 99% of the work, works their arse off and still manages to keep the other *mostly* satisfied, who would you say is the "High Maintenance" one?

Eat it MIL.

A note to the In-laws: You do NOT want to go to battle with me. Trust me. I will run you in to the ground, you alcoholic SOBs.

A little Peep action

I most definitely don't have the time to get in on all the Peep action going around but I do think this shirt from David and Goliath is adorable!

Moving day

Most of you have no idea what I am talking about and a few of you are going to jump up from your chairs and shout, "FINALLY!" but...

I'm leaving. Moving back to MY house with my children, filing for divorce and moving on.

(Disclaimer: Of course there is always the chance that STBXH (soon-to-be-Ex-husband) will do a 180 and honestly get his shit together but I am not counting on it or waiting for it and I will not be manipulated with "good behaviour" again.)

It feels good and scary at the same time. I actually kicked STBXH out of our current house a week ago and have been waiting for a couple things to be repaired at my house before I could move. M is having a hard time and keeps asking where Daddy is. K could really care less and is just as cheerful and cute as ever. M and STBXH were not that close, I think mainly he is concerned that I have been a bit of a wreck. M has been sleeping in my bed and 2 nights ago actually slept on me.

So despite the fact that I have been almost solely existing on Ben and Jerry's and Blizzards, I am doing quite well. As I suspected, living without my pain-in-the-ass husband around is actually easier and less work. (Do you all get it now? Being a single mom of 2 children under 3 is easier than being with my husband! Do you get how much of a childish ass he was/is?) Being a single mom shouldn't be easier. Yet it is, except for being the only one to get up in the night with the kids. Although this should settle down soon and they will once again return to being good sleepers.

So there it is. Like I said, it feels good but scary. The hardest part is being alone again, no one to talk to and share things with. No one to say good morning and good night to, or "what should we do for dinner?" Not that I want him around again but it would sure be nice to finally find someone who can really be my partner in life...

Until then I'm going to enjoy the freedom of being single. No one to harass me about sex, or hump me from behind while I'm unloading the dishwasher. One person less laundry and one person less to argue with. Today is a good day. :)