What the hell is this?!?

Sweet Jesus, do I want a baby! What in the hell is happening to me? Do you all know any other crazy ladies out there who are adamant about being done at 2 children when they are married and then while filing for divorce suddenly want a baby so bad they can hardly see straight?!? I didn't think so.... BECAUSE IT'S INSANE!!!!

I'm not even ovulating right now... I think my "dirty little secret" has me feeling enough like a woman again that I might actually consider having more children. Hallelujah.

No worries though, not having sex so no babies in the near future for me. :)

Happily Ever After

I wonder if there ever was as big a myth as that? Could it be true that someone could fall in love with their soul mate and live happily ever after? I supposed some of us could be so lucky but what about the rest of us?

I'm 24 and I will have been divorced twice. That's fucked up, if you ask me. It's not like I particuallarly DESERVE this, right? My first husband I loved with everything I had but could not keep him, my 2nd I can not get rid of fast enough. I would like to think that someday I will too, have a happily ever after. I would like to think that something is not too good to be true, that it really is THAT good.

I'm jaded and I don't believe in happily ever afters anymore. Which is unfortunate because I think that if I could just let go, let myself believe again, that I would be pleasently suprised.

I know that I SHOULD be alone for a while once I'm divorced. I SHOULD avoid falling in love again so soon and I SHOULD invest in me for a while. I SHOULD also go with my heart, and not pass up a good thing... So what do I do? Realistically, I've been out of love for quite a while now. My marriage has been over, I just didnt want to admit it. So now I could have something really good, someone who really cares about me and who I feel safe with.

This could be a good thing, or it could be too good to be true. I should and I shouldn't run away, so what do I do?

Nameless Poetry

Do you know that I fought this
With everything I have, I tried
To not feel this way about you
It frightens me, I want to run away

To be alone, where it’s safe
No one can hurt me but myself
And I can pretend you don’t exist
I want to be free of this feeling

In my dream, I’m falling
I know it’s going to hurt when I land
I don’t want to wake, to feel reality
Reality is worse than the fall

You’re taking over every inch of my being
My sanity is threatened by your presence
I want to run away, will you stop me?
If I fall, will you catch me?

So you want some dirt, do ya?

I've been gone (not that many of you have noticed), technically I am still gone but I've had the desire to blog again so here I am.

As I exit the disaster that is my marriage I am finding myself entering something new and exciting. The timing is horrible, it's not what I wanted and if I were smart I wouldn't be doing what I've been doing but... It feels oh so good!!!

I'll leave the rest up to your imagination since what you imagine is probably far more entertaining and juicy that what is really going on... :)

Silenced

In a glass room
I can see you standing on the outside
the walls get closer and closer
but I can see

He's trying to blind me
tinting the windows with jealousy
it's getting dark
I'm feeling smaller

Looking in at me
can you see that I'm not where I want to be
in self created misery
I restrain myself

I want to break those glass walls
to have it all come crashing down
he has my hands tied
bound like a punished lover

I struggle to see you now
gagged, bound and blind
kicking and screaming
in a well behaved silence

I want to smash the walls
to do to them
as they have done to me
punished, well behaved and silent

Do you see me still
the kicking and screaming
or just a well behaved, quiet girl
Do you feel me still like I feel you?