For you and I, you know who you are :)

Ramblings about men...if you make it through this you have my respect :)

I'd sure like to know why it is that men don't seem to realize when they have a good thing. It's like past in initial pursuit, once they've "caught" you, they become uninterested. It's frustrating! 

I'd like to think I know a good thing when I see it. When my ex would do something nice it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Maybe because he so rarely did it but regardless, I noticed and appreciated it! 

Currently I am on and off with the most amazing man I could ask for. He is really, really great and it's been really, really great for the last 6 months. In fact it just keeps getting better and better. Thing is, he only seems to notice this when he thinks he's gonna lose me. As soon as we are "in it" and I've been "caught" he starts to focus on the responsibility of dating a woman with kids and really freaks out. Don't get me wrong, he loves and is great with my kids. It's not my KIDS, it's his assumed idea of the responsibility involved. I do get that a single mother with 2 kids is a LOT, it's a lot of "baggage" to be walking around with, I get that. I really do. I'm OK with it taking time to get used to the idea and I don't actually NEED anything from a man right now. My ex pays child support and is involved in my kids lives and aside from wishing now and then that I had a stronger hand around to help with the groceries, I've got it covered. 

I'm rambling but I guess the gist of it is that I hate feeling like I have to always be one foot out the door just so he doesn't lose sight of this really great thing that he has. I felt like this with my ex too. I just don't get why it is this way with men! 

I appreciate my man. I realize that he is just about anything a woman could ask for in a man, really. He is helpful, respectful, makes me feel absolutely amazing and good looking and talented to boot. He isn't perfect, obviously, or I wouldn't be sitting here blogging about how frustrated I am right now. But he is great, really great. What he and I have is great and it really does just keep getting better. He knows this, I know this but somehow the whole thing just seems just out of my grasp. 

For the record, it's not that I don't think I can get a better man or that he is so great that I don't deserve him. That's not it at all. I know what I have to offer and I know that HE is lucky to have me too. It's just that I'm crazy about him and I don't want anyone else. I want him. I know he feels this way too but the poor thing gets so scared, lol. Kind of endearing I guess, at least he knows what he is getting in to in dating a single mom. It just scares him. I also think it scares him because he knows that what he and I have is real and that while we won't be marching down the isle any time soon (No thank you very much!) I think he also feels like this is it. We are perfect together, we really are... and it scares the shit out of him. Hell, it scares the shit out of me too! 

Breaking a leg

OK, I'm off to my first theater audition in almost 5 years! I don't care too much if I get the part, just mainly want to get my feet wet with the audition process again. Fortunately I don't look much older than my old headshots and I was able to remember enough of my acting past to recreate the resume. I'm very excited! Should be tons of fun. For your reading pleasure, here is my 2 minute monologue: Courtesy of monologueblogger.com

Why do these guys have to play these stupid asinine games? Why do they have to have a dumb three day rule? I mean, if you like me and you are thinking about me, pick up your phone and dial my number. Right? Why play these games? What is it, so they don’t look desperate or something? They have to PROVE their manliness. Whippdiddy doo! Waiting three days is retarded and it gets the guy no where because by the time he does call, who wants to be bothered???

I’m certainly not going to wait around all damn day for HIS call. I met Frank like three days ago, yeah, it was Saturday night. He hasn’t called me. We text messaged eachother for like half a day but he still hasn’t called me to make plans of any kind. What is wrong with him? I talk, I’m a good phone talker, I like talking, I love talking actually but he needs to call me. I’m not even going to answer the phone when he calls me. I’m going to make HIM wait now. See if he likes that. Yep. Watch, as soon as he calls, HA, let the phone ring until it reaches my voice-mail. Than we’ll see if he leaves a mess–

(her phone rings and it’s Frank)

Oh shit! It’s HIM! It’s Frank, Oh my God, Oh my God, what should I do? Should I pick up? Should I answer? Should I pick up?! Wait let him leave a message. No wait, I gotta get a grip, let him leave a message….

(pause)

I’m waiting for the little BEE BOO noise my phone makes when someone leaves a message. (beat) He didn’t leave a message. DAMN IT! I should have picked up! Should I call him back? Should I call him? Should I call him back? Does it look bad to call him back if he didn’t leave a message? I don’t want to look needy. Cause I’m not, I’m not needy. Right? Right? I’m not the needy type right? Okay, so what should I do?

(her phone rings again)

Oh shit! It’s Frank, it’s Frank, it’s Frank, it’s Frank. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay! Ummmmmmm, I gotta answer now right? Yeah, okay, I’m gonna, oh boy, gotta take a few deep breaths…..

(she takes a few deep breaths)

(she answers her phone)

Hellllllo!

You know I will be stuffing my face with chocolate as I do this... I mean, seriously, do you see this chick doing anything else BUT stuffing her face during this conversation?? :)

For a mere $519...

These beauties can be yours! 

If that wasn't enough for ya, they are on sale! That's right! 20% off on shoes.com. They are originally $649. What a deal!! 

You know, just incase you feel like channeling a dominatrix/stripper/Bo Derrick vibe this summer...

Yummy Crockpot recipe even my picky eaters love!

I don't use the microwave to heat my kids food so I'm always looking for food I can heat up in the morning, put in the thermos and send with them to school. My son is a VERY picky eater but he does love his Lightening McQueen thermos! I found this recipe on About.com and both my kids love it! It's so easy and it really is yummy!

Recipe Feedback:
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A crockpot chicken noodle soup, with chicken, onions, carrots, celery, and noodles.
INGREDIENTS:
2 1/2 to 3 1/2 pounds chicken pieces
4 cups water
4 cups chicken broth
1 teaspoon seasoned salt
1 teaspoon salt, or to taste, depending on saltiness of broth
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 leek or small onion chopped
1 carrot, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
1/4 cup parsley, chopped
1/2 teaspoon dried marjoram or basil
1 bay leaf
6 ounces noodles
PREPARATION:
Place all ingredients except noodles in the Crock Pot. Cover and cook on low for 5 to 6 hours. Remove chicken and bay leaf from pot; take meat from bones, dice, and return to broth, and add the noodles.

Cook another hour or until noodles are done (about 1/2 hour on high). Or, cook the noodles separately and add them just before serving.

It's Saturday night...

and...

PLUS

EQUALS

Feeling a little left out

So I post on this bulletin board for moms who have kids around the same age as mine. It's really a ton of fun and I do adore the women but since becoming a single mom I find I have MUCH less to post about. I don't have a husband to bitch about, a MIL who is trying to ruin my family vacation. Hell, I don't even have a family vacation to ruin!! Recently there was a post showing photo's of all the husbands... I so wanted to participate and I really, truly contemplated posting this...

WHAT?! It's the closest thing I've got to a husband. This and my valet trash service. 

Rediscovering

The best part about getting a divorce (is there REALLY a best part??) is being forced to find out who I actually am again. I didn't realize just how much of myself and my energy I was forcing into making a marriage go that JUST.WOULDN'T.GO. Or maybe I did and that's why I left...

Regardless, I've spent the last 4 years trying to hold things together while my ex spent them trying to tear things apart. It's hard enough to hold a family of 4 together without someone actively working against you, trying to tear you and it down. So I tell him to f-off and suddenly life takes on a whole new meaning!! Things move forward with relative ease, as much ease as you're going to get with an almost 4 year old and 2 1/2 year old. I've found myself not only able to keep things together but I've found time for myself! I've found time to sit down and go, "What am I trying to accomplish in life?" "What do I want?"

It's been a long, beautiful process of figuring it out bit by bit. I quit my job a couple weeks ago and thanks some savings, I've been able to take some time to really figure out what I want to do. Not just what can I do to pay the bills, but what do I want to do? I've got some exciting things lined up that I will tell you all about when they fall in to place but I'll tell you it's amazing!

I can tell you now I am an artist, and as most artists will tell you, this is not something that can be swept under the rug with ease. It can be swept, don't get me wrong, but the sweeping almost always brings about a deep misery until it is dug back out from under the rug, brushed off and polished new again.

I dug out all my old acting books, scripts and other work and for the first time in a long time, I feel renewed and refreshed. I have an audition Wednesday, it's for a project that will be scary (in a good way) and a lot of fun. I'm not 100% sure I actually want this project but I'm going to do the audition regardless, at the least I'll have gotten my feet wet again.

I continue with my voice training and am sooooo close to a live performance I can taste it! I'm also in the process of searching out a good guitar teacher so I can learn to play the acoustic guitar, something I've always wanted to do. And I will be grabbing my amazingly talented best friend (we will call him Big M from here on out) and learning some songs with him. I mean, come on! I'm a singer with an innate ability to sing Jazz, he is a Jazz Pianist and Bassist... You do the math! Why I have been so stupid as to not have done anything with him till now, I will never know... Actually, I do know! He makes me nervous, really, really nervous! He's a pro and can hear ALL my mistakes... But no matter, I will do it and hopefully I'll post a video here once it's done!

Back from the abyss with a tune :p

I promise, promise, promise I'm back to blogging!! To (re) start me off here is the tune of the moment. AKA, the tune running through my head that best describes how I'm feeling at the moment. 

Details later!! :)