10 Things I Hate About You

Dear Southern United States,

In honor of my 9th anniversary of being a transplanted Floridian I thought it was about time to give you a piece of my mind. While there are a great many wonderful things about living in Flori-DUH, there are those I am none too fond of. I will try to keep it to 10 things.

1. Fried chicken. My thighs do not appreciate you! Nuff said.

2. Here in Flori-DUH it seems as though the pickup is a natives car of choice. While I hate trucks and have my own personal theory about the drivers feeling the need to compensate for something, this is not what really bothers me. What bothers me are these. Why some Southern men feel the need to hang their balls from their truck is beyond me. Oh wait, I guess this brings us back to the whole compensating for something theory, doesn't it?

3. Confederate flag. You might as well write "racist" on the back of your truck. Seriously.

4. Gators. They freak me out, but what freaks me out more are the natives who are not afraid to swim with them. *WTF*

5. This one is specific to Flori-DUH, but I hate old, medicated drivers!! I don't give a rats ass if it is age discrimination, when you hit a certain age you should have to re-take the drivers test, period.

6. Tourists. Drunk, obnoxious tourists. The ones who show up at spring break and are wasted from the moment they touch down to the moment they take off. For god sake, if you are going to party that hard (and by all means, do) DO NOT GET IN TO YOUR CAR. Although it may appear differently to you, not all of us are on spring vacation. Some of us have *GASP* children in their car who would like to survive to see their own spring vacation. The next time a convertible full of girls in itsy bitsy binki's almost side swipes me flirting with a convertible full of bleach tipped boys I'm going to get out of my car, take your Smirnoff bottles and shove them...well, anyway. You get it.

7. For the love of god, YES that is Hulk Hogan. Who else do you know looks like that? Yes, he lives here and no, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to sign your bicep.

8. Hoochie Mamas. There is a rule in fashion that says that if you are wearing something tight or revealing on top you should NOT do the same on the bottom and vice versa. Yes, I am aware that it is hot here. Despite that I still fail to see how your breasts hanging out on top and your ass hanging out on bottom keeps you any cooler than something 4 inches longer in either direction.

9. Hurricanes. We here in Flori-DUH get a little tired of boarding up windows, bring in lawn chairs and beating the hoards at the grocery store and gas station and only getting a little rain. It's scary, hard work and frankly it's annoying. Yes, we need to do it but when I heard the criticism of the people who knew Katrina was coming and stayed put I sympathized. You try picking up and moving every couple weeks, it's a bitch!

10. Last but not least...Mickey fucking Mouse! Seriously people, there are other things to do in Flori-DUH besides going to Disney. Swim with the Manatees, visit Kennedy Space Center, take a ghost tour. My dear family, I love you much but if you make me go to Disney with you on your vacation one more time I am going to throw myself in front of the Monorail.

In closing, while there are many things I like about living here the above are the things that need to go. They do not make living here "colorful" or "interesting". Mostly they annoy me or raise our home and auto insurance rates. I'm willing to compromise and let you keep that damn Mouse as long as you start serving liquor in the park.

Sincerely,
Jessica
9 years in Flori-DUH